life is ever changing

so hi hi! im kind of being so random lately. life has turned a lot better than i ever imagined. lucky to have good people around me, and also the one who could put a smile back on my face, emits the good vibes to me. pretty glad of everything tho! maybe its right, when u lost sth, there will be better thingy will come to u :D

*. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?
- Ceha, ketrin. however i prefer to be called with my origin name.

*. What do you do if you can't sleep at night?
- put my headseat on, close my eyes and start to imagine how i expect things turn out

*. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?
- im pretty easily get awkward, so i kind of looking for someone i know and find a spot where i can stand safely :p

*. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
- well, i don't really pay so much attention on how i look, so.....

*. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?
- i should finish my meal cleanly, the cleaner my plate, the lesser freckles on my future husband's face later :p

*. Which animals scare you most? Why?
- no doubt, lizard

*. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?
- well it depends on what its about

*. What was the most recent compliment you've received and savoured?
- lol someone said im kind of fierce being but i do have a kitty heart hahaha! but..wait, is it compliment or...?

*. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?
- my weight :(

548 days

12th of June, oh hi. finally we meet again, twelve. you are still my favorite date, even a lot of hidden and untold jag, heaps of unwanted hap happened, i can't lie, you are still able to put smile on me, give me slight of support and energy this morning, like you used to do, twelve.
have been going thru the shockingly hard time. like one big black hole. after it pulls you in, you can't get out. so, you spend countless nights crying yourself to sleep. you spend days in your room, you feel like doing absolutely nothing. you're constantly hoping that things will get better, but also wondering if they actually will. and the worst part? when you finally start to get better, it pulls you back in. you crash harder than before. so scary isn't it?

i keep blaming myself for every single thing i have done. but then i realize running away from problems is a race i'll never win. some people come into my lives to light it up, giving it so much meaning whilst making me smile. should be grateful of everything tho. it's been a long time ago since i was thankful and gave off something positive.
i am so into philosophy of life currently, i can spend hours to read them now. i was like can't believe finally i can use my time into something positive and useful while i've been wasting too much time on scrubby thingy and gadget like seriously i didn't really do anything on it. which was totally such a dud. i need to inject a lot of positive things inside me. i should own up all bad attitudes, learn from them and verily do hard to totally change. nothing is ever too late! bumped into Benjamin B's saying "our lives are defined by the opportunities, even the ones we missed." well, i realize i can't change what i was but i can change what i am now. no matter how many mistakes i have made or how slow i progress, i am still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying anyway ;)

•  if you really want to do something, you will find the way. if you don't, you will find an excuse
• never do something permanently foolish just bcause you're temporarily upset
• you can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren't busy denying them
• there isn't anything noble about being superior to another person. true nobility is in being superior to the person you once were 
• if you expect the world to be fair with you bcause you are fair, you're fooling yourself. that's like expecting lion not to eat you bcause you didn't eat him
• the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while
• the whole purpose of engaging in the practice of patience is to become stronger in mind, stronger in heart
• if you're searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror!
• if you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one
• have a heart that never hardens, a temper than never tires and a touch that never hurts
• the main key to happiness is, be honest with yourself, let your heart be your guide

should start to love myself first then i'll be able to love other well, chase negative thingy away and be the most positive being i could be. and i do really need to sow the word of "patience" to myself. while the main point of patience is not just the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.
it's funny how life could give you thousands reason to smile and cry at the same time. "for a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. especially by the person who's waiting. the hardest part isn't abt the waiting, but the uncertainty is.

some people may hurt you, but all you really need to do, stop blaming them and not supposed to hurt them back, instead of trying to understand their position. there comes a point when they hurted you, probably they just didn't know what they were doing. i keep telling this to myself everytime i think of something that hurted me enough. always try to put yourself in the other's shoes. if you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
some should really understand and take every single word of their promise seriously as well, most don't understand when they make it. it might be nothing for you, but might be everything for them. sometimes even just a promise you don't fulfill, could totally ruin and affect their life. the impact even never crossed in your mind.
and never ever judge and take a conclusion by yourself, it's so unfair when it comes to the wrong conclusion you have made by your own. you can never understand how it feels like, when people have tried their best, willing to take the highest risk for you, willing to give their last air for you to breath, they died  for you, and you're just like "i'm not taking responsible of you, cause you're the one willing to let me have your last air", while you leave and stride over their clod hoping sth better for your own to live in the future and you don't even think abt their cup at all. 

one thing i realize, all the hardest, coldest people i meet were once as soft as water and that's the tragedy of living. and sometimes the only thing you could do now is just do the very best you could do, and having a faith :)

waiting hurts, so does forgetting. but not knowing which decision to take, sometimes can be the most painful.

.

every love story is beautiful, but ours will always be my favorite. love is you, is still you and will always be you..... 548days

that priceless gift

i just dont know what to say. i was so speechless when i stepped my feet and opened the door at that time. i saw someone was standing in the very beautiful love shape candles with balloons and photos were hanging on the ceilings, our favorite song was playing and i walked to him thru the lovely candle lane. i was abt like didnt know what to do, what to say. it was like maybe i felt a sleep and was dreaming but that hands waiting for me to grabbed them made me realize that i wasnt dreaming. its like a dream comes true and cant thank enough for making my 19th so damn wonderful. yes, im the happiest and luckiest girl ♥

crumple

the only thing i'm good at is destroying myself, by:

1. having a high expectation (they said) 
2. paying too much attention at one sucked thing that doesn't worth, even just a measly of it
3. over reacting at haps
4. do think a lot abt others, always try to yield with some till they forget to do their turn towards me
5. always have negative feelings of everything
6. always ends up blaming myself like "i'm always fucking things up, always."
7. have the feeling of "i didn't really want to kill myself, but i kind of did."
8. being so often to deal with "it's ok anyway, i'm getting used to it."
9. my mood swings, i can go from being happy to depressed in a matter of seconds
10. having to repeat "yeah, i'm fine, just tired" continuously thru out the day

you just can't imagine what's happening inside my head and how my mind works with its way, over thinking of everything which always leads me to be so mad. feeling as a dead who is breathing lately.

                            

weird-o

for seriously, found two things that burst out the hell of me, a cute logo that suits me so.

and these sentences....

lolbye!

being vulnerable

this picture describes everything. nuff said.

a blast

im not kind of a smoothie or romantic or whatever u call it. just being so random for someone who is turning 20. love him to the bones :P♥

heavenly

nothing is better than these :

cikk mann ☺♥

only once in ur life, i truly believe, u find someone who can completely turn ur world around. u tell them things that u’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything u say and actually want to hear more. u share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at u. when something wonderful happens, u can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in ur excitement. they are not embarrassed to cry with u when u are hurting or laugh with u when u make a fool of urself. never do they hurt ur feelings or make u feel like u are not good enough, but rather they build u up and show u the things about urself that make u special and even beautiful. there is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. u can be urself and not worry about what they will think of u because they love u for who u are. the things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. memories of ur childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. colours seem brighter and more brilliant. laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. a phone call or two during the day helps to get u through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to ur face. in their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but u find u’re quite content in just having them nearby. things that never interested u before become fascinating because u know they are important to this person who is so special to u. u think of this person on every occasion and in everything u do. simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. u open ur heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening ur heart, u experience a love and joy that u never dreamed possible. u find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow ur heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares u. u find strength in knowing u will probably have a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. ur only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of ur life. 

short lovely speech :P

https://soundcloud.com/steventaketa/by-my-side-happy-6th-month

"i went to sleep last night with a smile because i knew i'd be dreaming of u.... but i woke up this morning with a smile because u weren't a dream." - L'LYS