regrettably

so fucked up. a precious one minute. 7 minutes are bloody hell null-never exist. one minute only,how pathetic you know,sigh!
did instrospection to myself in the midnight. interrogate myself,take apart of everything i've ever did this long. and hell,why does regret always come late? people always like that. when everything has been messed up,they rethink what they've done and regret. feeling so dumb. why i didn't rethink before i did those things? finally  found the exact answer. ain't that i'm not an understanding people. but i wasn't so. way too childish at that time,too selfish. wanted to be understood but didn't want to understand. that was so me. some people are way too coward to admit their bad. try to have the guts to admit. you will always think you're right instead of admitting. problems do really change people's mind,be more mature than before. i do really know,i don't need efforting to change bcause i'm already so,indeed. the most regrettably is why i didn't do that from the first? 


marshmallow is missing jelly,so bad

mystical dream

hi. i'm so sleepy yet i can't really fell asleep. got nightmare these lately. i often dreamt kind of it but i never felt like this before. keep dreaming over the same thing,the stories go on and way like it's trying to gimme clue or tell me something. i know it's kinda dumb but there's something that make me feel this way. i can't even think logically,oh gosh! well. am i that pretty cool? have been trying to trashed everything and this feeling away,far away from my mind. seemingly it will accompany me every night. how loyal aight! it screwed me to inner like really and my feeling get something called queer now. does the story in my dream really happen,will happen or have happened? actually,the less i give a fuck the happier i will be. but the problem is....

8th june

june,the month when everything started. simple hello which fell me deeply till today. simple praise for my crazy cover video,simple joke,everything was so simple and all those simple were effected me successfully. time passed quickly and it's been a year already.
kay let's say that last day was totally not my day,so suffered. cramp was visiting my belly and i felt like i'd be end. can't even walk and sit. laid in bed all day long. 2 pills of painkiller finally brought me back to life lol. i wish i were born as a boy. flashback tons of moments today. i have nothing more to type,so byebye cramp!

greedy greedy

helloooo! beginning of june,so far so good. i hope it will stay like this or more? kay i know i'm not able to ask more than this. but hoping isnot wrong,right? actually there're so many things inside me which haven't been poured out. yet i don't get any chance to. so sad right? no,more than a sad,so fuckin sad exactly. i miss how i was able to tell everything that was on my mind. pretending ain't a good idea,really,it won't work. it suffers myself. i do this bcause i'm fuckin forced. neither of the choices can be well-choosed. anyway,forgive me for using filthy words for times. i think i need to stop typing before they fill this post. i have no idea what i kinda feel. the only thing i feel is i'm so greedy these days. yeyyyy,5kg to go. seeya!


these photos were taken months ago☺

what should i do?

hiiii! i'm really superb extremely fuckin terribly messed and confused. i was given choices but neither of them can pull me up,none can make me feel any better. kinda hate this situation. it's just like someone is in a saw-trap. if you move forward,you'll be skewed by a broad-bladed knife ; if you move backward,you'll be bowed by tens of poisonous arrow. what will you do if you're in that situation? i don't understand why people want to suffer themselves and lying to their own feelings. what's the purpose? you can tell your brain about this and that,everything you want to,but you can't command anything to your heart. if it's real work,there will be no miserable people in this whole world. people will always feel happy and never know how sad feels like. and i think lying to your own feeling is the most stupid thing people do. right? i've learnt that memories,good or bad,will bring tears and words can never replace feelings. yet there's always someone will care about you without your knowing,so cheers!
kay,it's just my thought anyway. i'm on effort to gain 5 kg,wish me heaps of luck. anyway,i'm so welcoming June. i don't have list of wishes,just please be a good month and everything goes well and fine. see yaaa ☺


here are some random picts i shot. made by my two bros :D

hurt of being blamed

hi! ☺ what people say is right. when you do something good,you'll be only remembered not more than an hour. but when it's turning out wrong,you'll be remembered forever. they even forget to thank and what you get is being blamed. appreciate is hard to do and blaming is the easiest one. you better keep silent till you're chilled. most of the time,words you say when you're in anger will be regreted right hurt others' feeling. think twice before you're going to say and do something. 

lack of feeling

some people are way so selfish. they only mind their own importance,forget the things we have done for them. we're always exist when they need us,but where the hell are they when we need them? they can turn into strangers in sudden and so on. they do whatever they like,whenever they want,without preserving others' feeling. they did wrong - we forgave easily. but when it's our turn? people give to get. yes,that's right and kinda fair. how if you help me then i thank by slapping you in the face? if you can't give as big as what they've given to you,at least you give them a third of it or by appreciating them.
people have feelings. you want to be understood. but there's a time when it's your turn to understand. how i wish it's reversible. they were in the reverse position,treat them the way they did,so they could know and understand how it feels like. appreciate what you have today bcause the time when you realize you've lost them,regret has been too too too late ☺☺☺

owl me

hello. second day of my driving lesson. still being a clumsy. the instructor is a bit sucks anyway.
i looked so messy today,so so sleepless. slept at 5 - woke up at 7,slept again at 8 - woke up at 11. i'm real dying. spent a night long,chatted with my lovely girl,debie ♥.♥ yes,she's the only one i trust the most. i can tell her what i can't to others. she does really understand me. have nothing else to type. em,what summon do you call to a girl who chases boy and could fall in love that quick? quicker than the boredom of a baby with her toy. cheapy-cheapy burger,byeee 

may - twenty two

ok hi. i'm getting terrible each day. woke up at 11,thought it was only 9. read something i called sh!t and it messed me till i got an explanation. felt a bit relieved yet it didn't help too much,sssiigghhh! have any idea about promise? for me,promise is just a promise. it's not more than just 7 letters. how can people trust your new promise if you haven't fulfilled even you've failed  the old one? make it clear then. don't blame the one who made the promise,everyone want to do something better,blame people who trust it so much. i think that someone ain't me?

anyway,my driving lesson will start tomorrow and i don't have any mood to. mom cooked steamboat and it messed me more. used to sit beside me,had quality taim together,chatted,laughter coloured that moment. seems like everything that people do,is so messing me around.

could i just climb to the highest building,have my eyes closed and jump down? kayyy,the time when you feel this blog has no more lifes,no more posts,no more updates,maybe i'm shuffling at heaven right at that time,LOL

so,what will you do if your mind tell you yes about letting go but your heart tell you "no,you lie yourself"?

"No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they promise to you. You just gotta suck it up and accept it." - Hey Arnold

heartace not heartache

so,hi. woke up late today,had my breakfast at 12 - lunch at 4 - with puffy eyes. what a perfect day,sigh. still can't get a well-sleep and i'm going to die very soon if it's longing. listened to some cover songs last night. minemine is still the most favored. scent of the parfume in that box still can be sniffed,i wish it won't fade up. wondering how can some people are way so good in keeping their feelings inside and they're bear to in faking theiracts,like ignoring. sometimes,the way that you think is the best ain't be so,even it can be the worst.

anyway,my phone's touchless now. idk i should be happy or sad bcause my battery has been healed from its leaky. kay i think i should stop typing before......hmm,bye. MYlots :(

"it hurts me seeing a girl cry. i want to comfort her as long as i can or i'll end up crying too." - Zayn Malik

how if all man could act like that sentence?