548 days

12th of June, oh hi. finally we meet again, twelve. you are still my favorite date, even a lot of hidden and untold jag, heaps of unwanted hap happened, i can't lie, you are still able to put smile on me, give me slight of support and energy this morning, like you used to do, twelve.
have been going thru the shockingly hard time. like one big black hole. after it pulls you in, you can't get out. so, you spend countless nights crying yourself to sleep. you spend days in your room, you feel like doing absolutely nothing. you're constantly hoping that things will get better, but also wondering if they actually will. and the worst part? when you finally start to get better, it pulls you back in. you crash harder than before. so scary isn't it?

i keep blaming myself for every single thing i have done. but then i realize running away from problems is a race i'll never win. some people come into my lives to light it up, giving it so much meaning whilst making me smile. should be grateful of everything tho. it's been a long time ago since i was thankful and gave off something positive.
i am so into philosophy of life currently, i can spend hours to read them now. i was like can't believe finally i can use my time into something positive and useful while i've been wasting too much time on scrubby thingy and gadget like seriously i didn't really do anything on it. which was totally such a dud. i need to inject a lot of positive things inside me. i should own up all bad attitudes, learn from them and verily do hard to totally change. nothing is ever too late! bumped into Benjamin B's saying "our lives are defined by the opportunities, even the ones we missed." well, i realize i can't change what i was but i can change what i am now. no matter how many mistakes i have made or how slow i progress, i am still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying anyway ;)

•  if you really want to do something, you will find the way. if you don't, you will find an excuse
• never do something permanently foolish just bcause you're temporarily upset
• you can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren't busy denying them
• there isn't anything noble about being superior to another person. true nobility is in being superior to the person you once were 
• if you expect the world to be fair with you bcause you are fair, you're fooling yourself. that's like expecting lion not to eat you bcause you didn't eat him
• the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while
• the whole purpose of engaging in the practice of patience is to become stronger in mind, stronger in heart
• if you're searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror!
• if you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one
• have a heart that never hardens, a temper than never tires and a touch that never hurts
• the main key to happiness is, be honest with yourself, let your heart be your guide

should start to love myself first then i'll be able to love other well, chase negative thingy away and be the most positive being i could be. and i do really need to sow the word of "patience" to myself. while the main point of patience is not just the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.
it's funny how life could give you thousands reason to smile and cry at the same time. "for a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. especially by the person who's waiting. the hardest part isn't abt the waiting, but the uncertainty is.

some people may hurt you, but all you really need to do, stop blaming them and not supposed to hurt them back, instead of trying to understand their position. there comes a point when they hurted you, probably they just didn't know what they were doing. i keep telling this to myself everytime i think of something that hurted me enough. always try to put yourself in the other's shoes. if you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
some should really understand and take every single word of their promise seriously as well, most don't understand when they make it. it might be nothing for you, but might be everything for them. sometimes even just a promise you don't fulfill, could totally ruin and affect their life. the impact even never crossed in your mind.
and never ever judge and take a conclusion by yourself, it's so unfair when it comes to the wrong conclusion you have made by your own. you can never understand how it feels like, when people have tried their best, willing to take the highest risk for you, willing to give their last air for you to breath, they died  for you, and you're just like "i'm not taking responsible of you, cause you're the one willing to let me have your last air", while you leave and stride over their clod hoping sth better for your own to live in the future and you don't even think abt their cup at all. 

one thing i realize, all the hardest, coldest people i meet were once as soft as water and that's the tragedy of living. and sometimes the only thing you could do now is just do the very best you could do, and having a faith :)

waiting hurts, so does forgetting. but not knowing which decision to take, sometimes can be the most painful.

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every love story is beautiful, but ours will always be my favorite. love is you, is still you and will always be you..... 548days